June 29, 2004

I can’t believe I’m actually writing in this journal. I know that Diana’s intentions were good when she gave one to me and one to Hallie, but I never really gave much thought about actually writing in it. I have a long flight and my mind won’t shut down. Now I am finding an urge to write. I have never been one to deal with my feelings well. It doesn’t matter if it’s joy, happiness, anger or sadness. I do a much better job hiding them than sharing them. I often wonder why Hallie puts up with me. I know I can be moody and difficult. I do try but it always seems like I say the wrong thing.

I know I hurt Hallie’s feelings when we left today. All of the Bob-Whites had wanted to see me off, but I just couldn’t deal with that. Not knowing what I’m getting myself into, I just didn’t want to risk their last memory of me being getting on a military aircraft to deploy to a country that I know very little about.

So, it was just Hallie and Mr. Maypenny. To this day, I can’t call him by his given name. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard him say, “Son, would you quit calling me Mr. Maypenny? I think we’ve known each other long enough for you to call me by my given name.” I just can’t do it. He will always be Mr. Maypenny.

He looked so old when I turned back to give a final wave before I boarded the plane today. Mart would say that he’s been old forever. But something was different. Like he was starting to give up or something. I’m sure I was just imagining things.

Hallie was quiet the entire morning as we prepared to leave for the send-off. I think for some reason she is mad at me for going. I’ve been in the Reserves since I was in college. It taught me discipline and gave me confidence. Every time I am up for re-enlistment we discuss it and she’s always been supportive. I don’t think it ever occurred to her that I would actually be deployed. Anyway, I think she was mad at me. She insisted on sitting in the back seat of the car by herself on the drive over. She kept saying that Mr. Maypenny would be more comfortable up front, but that seemed like an excuse.

When it was time to board the plane and say our final goodbyes she barely hugged me, and the kiss she gave me was one I could imagine her giving her mother. Now, there’s definitely no love lost there. For as long as I’ve known Hallie, her mother has been after only one thing. Climbing the social ladder. As you can imagine, I am not one of her favorite people. I try my best for Hallie. Usually that means being there when her mother disappoints her once again.

July 8, 2004

It’s been a busy ten days. The flight over was very long and uneventful. A planeload of soldiers all heading to the same unknown assignment was kind of weird. We’ve known each other from weekend drills and our annual two-week training. Yet no one really said much. Everyone was lost in their own thoughts. We flew into Baghdad and immediately made our way to Riyadh. It was a tense drive, as word had come down that the road we were taking had been planted with IEDs. That’s improvised explosive devices. We were almost to our destination when a jeep about five hundred feet ahead of me exploded. Both driver and passenger were severely injured. The last I heard the driver had been airlifted to Germany and lost both of his legs. What a way to start a deployment. He will be back in the States in less than a week. Not the way I want to go home.

I emailed Hallie when I arrived. It was rather short. I just didn’t know what to say. She was so quiet when I left. I just don’t know what to think. It’s so hard to communicate electronically. There really is no body language to read and you can so easily misunderstand what is being said. I just tread lightly and hope we can make it through the year with our relationship intact.

Mart did email me. He said that all of the Bob-Whites had been going over to visit Hallie. He didn’t come out and say it, but it sounds like Hallie isn’t handling this well at all. Mart even said that Trixie had come over and the two of them had cleaned the house from top to bottom. He said he thought it was probably the best thing that anyone could have done. I know what a sacrifice it was for Trixie. She doesn’t even clean her own house. Maybe I should have insisted that Hallie hire Merry Maids as well. It’s not like we can’t afford it.

August 28, 2004

I haven’t written in a while, but then there really isn’t much to write. That is, unless I want to write about the night watches and near misses I’ve had. I really believe that most Iraqis are good people. I can understand their mistrust of the United States given the propaganda their government has shared, just as so many Americans think all Iraqis are evil. There are a couple of stray dogs that show up regularly in our compound. My tent-mate Trevor Thompson has been trying to befriend them. I have no idea what breed they are. They are both kind of ragtag. When they first showed up, they were afraid of everyone but so hungry they stuck around. Every time someone tried to get close to them, they would run away.

Trevor started by placing leftovers in a dish outside the tent before we went to bed at night. In the morning the food was gone. Today, when we came back from patrol, the dogs were there waiting for us. Trevor decided to call them Ernie and Bert. Bert let Trevor pet him for the first time. That’s when he realized that Bert was a girl. Turns out Ernie is, too. We took a bit of ribbing from members of our unit. How we couldn’t tell the difference between a male and female dog. Well, they used a few more colorful words.

Not much else is happening. Same stuff different day. If it weren’t for all of the IEDs and security issues it would be really boring. It’s hard not to get lazy, but if you do you could end up dead. Just yesterday, the patrol that went out after me hit an IED. Both soldiers survived. The driver had minor injuries. He was treated on the base and should be able to return to duty in a couple of days. The other soldier had minor burns and a few broken bones. He was airlifted to Germany but is expected to make a full physical recovery. Who knows how he will survive mentally.

September 5, 2004

Just when I think nothing good in this world happens, something surprises me. It has been a pretty stressful week here. It seems every time a group goes out on patrol, some vehicle hits an IED. Fortunately, there haven’t been any fatalities, but there have been a large number of lost limbs. I shudder to think how these soldiers will be affected by all of this. The army, as well as the media, always portrays soldiers with stiff upper lips ready to take on the world. So, it is even harder for them to show any emotion because it has been ingrained in them that it is a sign of weakness. I need to remind myself of this when I return. I’m the number one culprit in not sharing my true feelings. I am going to try to do better.

Now on to a more positive note. I’m an uncle again. Okay, not really an uncle by blood or marriage but all of the Bob-White offspring are my nieces and nephews. It has been decreed by Honey and Diana and you don’t argue with those two.

Brian sent me a nice, newsy email yesterday. He told about how last week everyone had gone over to visit Hallie with some sort of excuse. I think it started with the washer breaking. Of course, the warranty had just expired and she was frustrated by that. We might not have the money that the other Bob-Whites have, but we can afford to replace the washer. If I was home, I’d probably spend days bound and determined to fix it, but since I can’t, I have no problem replacing it. I’ll save my rant about how they don’t make things like they used to and how Momma washed my clothes in a ringer washer that was at least 30 years old for another day. And why am I going on and on about this when Mart and Jim, with a little help from Tom Delanoy. managed to fix it? Turns out one of the buttons from my police uniform had come off and somehow made it into the inner workings of the washer. Go figure. And why am I spending all this time writing it down? It seems kind of petty when I see so much destruction and oppression. I guess I just need to vent. And here I am again getting off track. I still haven’t shared the exciting news.

Brian and Honey are the proud parents of an adorable little girl. Stella Madeline Belden was born on September 1st. Brian emailed a photo. I have to say she is just adorable. She looks like she has Brian’s dark eyes, but will have Honey’s golden hair. I might be just a bit biased, as he asked that Hallie and I be her godparents. Not sure why they chose me. I’ve never been a religious person but I consider it an honor. I will have to find something very special for the special little girl. I only hope that some day Hallie and I will be able to reciprocate the favor. We’ve been trying for so long to have kids and it just hasn’t worked out.

October 15, 2004

It’s been a long time since I sat down to write. I’ve picked up my pen several times but couldn’t think of anything to put down on paper. The routine is getting even more boring, which scares me. I don’t want to get complacent. Looking at the calendar I realize that it’s been over 3 months since I was deployed. That means we’re a quarter of the way through it. On a day-to-day basis, it seems like time almost stands still, but three months sped by. Haven’t heard much from Hallie. I ask her if everything is okay and she says it is. I know, however, that it isn’t.

Mart and I exchange emails regularly. He mentioned that last week there was a plumbing problem at the house. I don’t know why she doesn’t tell me these things. While I wish I was there to help solve the problems, I’m so proud of her and how she has worked through them. Having the Bob-Whites, Mr. Maypenny, Regan, Tom and everyone else who has helped out there eases my mind as well. I’ll never be able to repay them.

Now to just figure out how to let Hallie know I’m proud of her without it looking like I was checking up on her with Mart. I have some time.

Brian’s birthday is in about a week. Mart mentioned they are going to have a traditional birthday party with all the games and the adults are expected to participate. I bet Peter Belden is having a grand time plotting which games to play as well as how he’s going to win. I am always surprised how friendly and competitive he is. Loves to win but more importantly loves to have fun.

November 19, 2004

Stood in line for three hours to place a call to Hallie. When she answered the phone, I could tell she was stressed. I knew things hadn’t gone well at work. She’s working on some really big case involving farmers. She told me it is a good distraction for her. When I am at home, I love to listen to her tell me about these cases. I know she uses me as a sounding board and I’m happy to be that. I don’t think it’s that though. She had to replace the furnace and she seemed to be second guessing her decision. Or maybe I was just imagining things.

She is doing such a great job. I just wish I could be there to help. It’s so frustrating. We only get 10 minutes to talk and while I want to listen to all of those things, I really want to hear about all the ordinary everyday things I really miss. I think I shut down somewhat and then I sensed Hallie’s frustration. I have never claimed to be the great communicator and it usually doesn’t bother me. Today, I want to be better. I want to tell her how proud I am of her. I want to tell her all the things I miss. I try to put my thoughts in an email but it seems so impersonal. Maybe I should send her something in the mail. I would probably be home for two months before it got to Sleepyside. I hope that I have the courage to show this to her some day so at least she knows I wasn’t intending to be disinterested.

November 24, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving. They had a Thanksgiving dinner on the base today. If you could call it that. Processed pressed turkey breast. I wonder if there was even any turkey breast in it. I swear it came out of a can and you could see the ribs from the can in some of the slices. They tried to disguise the canned yams by adding marshmallow fluff and brown sugar. It just made it seem like you were eating straight sugar. Don’t get me started on the pumpkin pie. Okay, enough whining. I really wasn’t that bad, but right before we sat down to eat, I got an email from Mart. He was telling me about all of the preparations going on at Crabapple Farm for the annual open house. I started thinking about all of the wonderful food Helen Belden makes, and nothing measures up to her cooking.

Mart can’t keep a secret. He said that Honey, Brian and Trixie were planning some fun for the open house. Honey had found a cheap, fake ring that looked a lot like Nell Frayne’s engagement ring. Trixie is going to wear it and see if Mr. Lytell notices. I know he will. His eagle eyes don’t miss anything. He said something about dropping it in the bowl of potato chips and Bobby playing along and ‘holping’ out by putting the ring in a safe place. Then Brian is going to give Mr. Lytell fifty dollars of Monopoly money. I wish I was there to see it, especially since I wasn’t there when it actually happened. More importantly, I hope Hallie will be able to enjoy the day and not worry.

December 1, 2004

After lots of paperwork and planning, I was finally granted my two-week leave. I’m so excited. I’ll be leaving Iraq on December 23 and will be home on Christmas Eve, hopefully well before Midnight Mass. The only person I told is Mart. I hope he’s better at keeping this secret than he was about the Thanksgiving Open House. By the way, I did hear from Hallie. She said that Mr. Lytell spotted the ring right away and that everyone just about fell out of their chairs laughing when Brian presented Mr. Lytell with the Monopoly money and Mr. Lytell pulled a matchbox car out of his pocket that actually looked a lot like the jalopy and gave it to him. Not sure how he knew it was going to happen but apparently he did. I’m guessing Bobby or one of the Lynch twins let the cat out of the bag. She said Brian was going to put it in his office at work next to his family photo.

I digress; back to my leave. Twenty-two days until I’m back in the States. Of course, the best part will be spending time with Hallie, but I’m hoping there will be enough snow so we can go sledding. And eat lots of Christmas cookies. I think I’ve lost twenty pounds since I’ve been here. It’s not like I tried to lose weight but the food is just okay and I’m just never hungry. It’s probably because if I’m not worried about what is happening at home, I’m worried about the next time I go out on patrol and if I will come back alive.

December 19, 2004

Just when you think things are going to go smoothly during the holiday season, all hell breaks out. It had been pretty quiet since Thanksgiving. Just routine patrols, and we’ve been training the Iraqis so that they can begin to do the patrolling. We had just left the compound and were headed on a routine mission, patrolling local streets. They are usually uneventful except for when the kids come out and beg for candy. They are so cute. Some people would say we shouldn’t indulge them, but they have gone through so much and if it makes them see a soldier in a more positive light then it is worth it.

Back to our mission. It happened two days ago. We travel in a convoy of about five vehicles. Usually three or four American vehicles and one or two Iraqi. The Iraqis were leading the convoy today. I was in the last vehicle. We rotate positions in the convoy. Each vehicle has their assigned duties. Mine today was to watch the back of the convoy for Taliban sneaking up behind us. We never go very fast. The roads are like driving an obstacle course. There are craters where IEDs have exploded. Some places are littered with debris from the explosions. No one bothers to clear the roadways.

So, we are traveling along. It gets to be so routine. Tommy Bradford was riding in the vehicle in front of me. I’ve known Tommy for what seems like forever. We were in ROTC in college together. Did a lot of our basic training together. I stood up in his wedding two years ago and his wife, Sherry is expecting their first child in about two months.

It was horrible. We were traveling about 50 yards apart. The Iraqis were in the first two vehicles. They had just passed a burnt-out warehouse. When the first Army vehicle had just passed it, I heard an explosion. Mac Donaldson was my driver and he jerked hard to the right. I don’t think I would have survived without his quick thinking. The two vehicles in front of us were thrown in the air by the explosion. It seemed like it rained vehicle parts forever. I’m sure it was only a few seconds.

As soon as our vehicle came to a stop, Mac and I jumped out and headed to the wreckage. It seemed like there were bodies everywhere. After contacting headquarters to send medical help, we grabbed what supplies we had and approached the disaster. The Iraqis had arrived as well. They stood, confused, and didn’t know what to do. Mac and I did our best. The driver of the first vehicle was dead and Kevin Randals was lying at the side of the road. His right leg was twisted in an unnatural position. I looked around for Tommy and I couldn’t see him at first. Then I saw him. He was lying face down in a ditch about 15 yards away. He looked like he might be sleeping. I ran over to him. I bent to turn him over and started to reach for his neck to see if he had a pulse. I looked down and half of his face was gone. There was no pulse. For a few seconds I just froze, not knowing what to do. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. It wasn’t even the first time that I knew someone who had been killed. This time, however, it was Tommy. The guy who had a wicked sense of humor, loved to play a good practical joke, was dedicated to Sherry and couldn’t wait to be a father. I wanted to puke right then and there. Then Mac called to me. It took me a few minutes to realize what he was saying.

He warned that the terrorists could still be around. I finally was able to move. In what seemed to be an eternity plus one thousand years, the medics finally arrived. Mac and I were the only Americans who didn’t sustain any injuries. The Iraqis were not injured either. It was frustrating because they panicked and just stood and watched as everyone else worked on the injured. They seemed worthless to me and I was starting to lose my temper. Fortunately, Mac calmed me down. It wasn’t their fault they hadn’t been trained in what to do in a situation like this.

The medics began working on Kevin. Mac finally got me to move and we went over to see how Joe McMasters, who was riding in the first vehicle to be hit, was doing. I’m not sure how he survived but it turned out he only had a couple of broken bones and no internal injuries.

It seemed like hours but it was probably more like thirty minutes. We got Kevin and Joe stabilized. They both were eventually airlifted to Germany where they could get the best care for their injuries. I was relieved that someone else was responsible for taking care of the dead. Then I felt guilty, like I should have stayed with Tommy and not abandoned him.

When we got back to base, we had a debriefing. My commander offered to get a counselor in if we wanted to talk to someone. I didn’t feel like it. I had seen how they worked when my dad died and also when my mom was sick. I didn’t think it would do any good. I did get a chance to talk to Kevin before he was flown to Germany. He mentioned how when they heard the first explosion, Tommy had tried to shield him from the IED. He said Tommy had saved his life.

Only four days and I get to head back home. That’s what I really need. I heard from Mart the other day and he has everything worked out. I can’t believe he hasn’t let the cat out of the bag. Even Diana doesn’t know. Just four more days.

December 25, 2004 7:00 a.m.

I wasn’t planning on bringing my journal home but something prompted me to do it. It’s been a whirlwind few days. I left Iraq two days ago. As soon as I landed in the States, I called Sherry Matthews and offered my condolences. I feared that Christmas would not be a happy time. To my surprise, I ended up talking with her mom. The shock of Doug’s death sent Sherry into premature labor. Sedona Kathryn Matthews was born on December 22. She weighed five pounds two ounces. She was put in the neonatal intensive care unit for a day but since she was doing so well she was moved to a regular room. They hoped to be home by the end of the week if all went well. Hallie and I will plan to do something special for them.

Christmas Eve was wonderful. Of course, seeing Hallie was the best part but the other highlight was when Helen Belden commented that her Christmas was complete because all of her children were home. I’ve always felt that Helen was my second mother. From when I first moved in with Mr. Maypenny, she always believed in me even when it seemed like everyone else didn’t. Uncle Bill always talks about how he valued her advice and if it wasn’t for her, he would have probably run scared and left me in the detention center.

January 10, 2005

Wow, what a great two weeks it’s been. I had a wonderful time in Sleepyside. Got to see not only the Bob-White families but Hallie’s brothers and their families as well. There were a few tense times as Hallie and I tried to find our way. I got mad because Hallie had been doing my jobs when I could do them. We had pretty much an all-out knock-down, drag-out fight but when the dust had settled we were able to come to an understanding. We even talked about some projects we wanted to take on together when I return from my deployment. It will be good to have something to look forward to. We also seriously talked about starting a family. We have in the past but I think we both kept coming up with excuses. We see the rest of the group with their kids and enjoy them. It will be time when I get home. Or maybe it will be sooner. Who knows?

Mr. Maypenny looked like he had really aged in the past six months. We were able to spend an evening with him. I have to say his hunter’s stew never tasted better. He still traps and shoots the meat himself. I can’t believe it. I know that he won’t live forever but I sure hope he will be with us for a long time. I’m not sure what I will do when he passes.

When I left the other day, Hallie told me that there were only 173 days until I return. Now she’s got me thinking of it. 170 Days now. I hope the next six months go fast.

February 17, 2005

I received a care package today from Hallie. It was a belated Valentine’s gift. I really shouldn’t say belated because she sent it about three weeks ago. It just arrived late. I was surprised that the cookies were actually not that smashed. We didn’t have to use a spoon to eat them. I think I was the most popular person on the base today. The hard candy and gum were a hit as well. The best part, of course, was the card that was in it. I love that we can communicate somewhat instantaneously with email but there’s nothing like getting snail mail. It was a definite pick-me-up.

I’ve been thinking about Tommy a lot. I don’t know if it’s survivor’s remorse or what. There was a card from Sherry in the mail as well. Things are going okay with her. She moved home with her parents for the next few months as she adjusts to being a single mom. She is going back to work next week after her family leave expires. She sent me a picture of Sedona. She is adorable. Bright blue eyes with a shock of red hair that stands straight up. It got me thinking, what if something happened to me? I just can’t imagine how Hallie would handle it. Hallie’s a strong woman and she has a great support network. I just don’t know.

All of that must have been weighing on me when I finally got a phone call through to her tonight. She kind of seemed a little distant but I knew if it was something important she would tell me. We had such a good discussion when I was home about being honest about our feelings. She sensed something was bothering me. I was honest and told her I wasn’t quite ready to talk about it but when I was, she’d be the first to know.

March 18, 2005

Beware the Ides of March. I think the last few days have been some of the worst of my life. Losing Da and Mom was hard. Getting involved with a gang and trying to break away was hard but this week I think took the cake. It started three days ago. We were out on patrol. Everyone was from our local National Guard Unit. We were in a convoy of four vehicles when an IED exploded. Three from my unit were killed and I was injured. Mostly superficial wounds. Had to have some stitches in my shoulder and leg. It could have been a lot worse. The shrapnel just missed my femoral artery. It wasn’t bad enough to evacuate me to Germany but they have been keeping a close eye on me because I did lose consciousness and they are worried about a concussion.

The Hudson River Valley will be in mourning. Two of the soldiers were from White Plains and one was from Peekskill. It will be horrible.

I finally got in touch of with Hallie yesterday. She was understandably upset. The Pentagon had also contacted her yesterday. Fortunately, Jim was at the house helping to clear the driveway. He was able to keep her calm and hear what they were telling her. She is staying with him and Trixie for a couple of days. I was so relieved, especially when I got a message from the Red Cross that Mr. Maypenny has died. I am devastated.

March 23, 2005

There are days when I really hate the army and today is one of them. I was not given bereavement leave for Mr. Maypenny because he was not a blood relative and had never adopted me. He was more of a father than Da ever was. Not that Da was a bad father, he just wasn’t around for very long. I know he would have been a great father, he just wasn’t around. I wanted to be there so badly. I really needed to be there.

I did my best. I was able to write the eulogy for the service. Hallie said she would read it and I know she did a wonderful job. It was the hardest thing I have ever written. How do I summarize everything Mr. Maypenny meant to me? And yes, it will always be Mr. Maypenny. I’ve been thinking about him a lot. I’ve also thought about the whole National Guard thing. I was always planning to stay in for twenty years but I’m thinking I won’t re-up when the time comes. Rest in Peace my friend, mentor and father.

April 1, 2005

Happy April Fool’s Day. Nothing foolish about today. I sent a care package to Hallie. Being on desk duty I have had a lot of time on my hands. I can usually get done what needs to be done in about two hours. About two weeks ago, someone was reciting dirty limericks to me. I got the brilliant idea to write poetry for Hallie. Poetry always needs to rhyme. I don’t care what my high school English teacher Mrs. Almendinger says, it has to rhyme. So, I wrote about twenty different poems. One of my favorites is my rhyming Haiku.

Hallie is the best
She lives life with vim and zest
Best in all the nest

I sent Hallie a care package of all of my creations. Less than 3 months and I will be home. Only a few more days of work restrictions, then I can get back to my real duties.

May 8, 2005

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you and I miss you. Hoping that next year you will be a grandmother.

June 1, 2005

I don’t know if things are really getting worse or if it’s because I know I will be home in 29 days but this place is driving me crazy. I am sick of the sand, living conditions, crappy meals, and even the people are starting to get on my nerves. It’s time to go home.

June 10, 2005

We’ve started to get ready to head home. I can’t believe the amount of stuff we are just leaving here. Heavy equipment, tents, you name it. And what’s sad is the next unit will bring all of their supplies and that will get left as well. They say it’s cheaper to buy new than to ship all of this stuff home. Go figure.

June 29, 2005

In the air and on our way. I think this will be the longest day of my life, or one of them anyway. Can’t wait to see Hallie.

June 30, 2005

Finally Home.

 

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