This story is about breast cancer. I know for some it might be difficult if not impossible to read. I understand. I’m not one who likes to give or get spoilers but there are times when they are appropriate. Should you need to know any details before you make the decision to read this please contact me.

Chapter Three

Honey pulled behind Peter Belden's Chevy Cavalier. She turned the car off, rested her head on the back of the seat and looked at Brian. “Are you ready for this?”

“Not really but do I have any choice?” Brian said heavily. “I have no idea how Moms and Dad are going to handle this. When we all started to leave home they allowed us to spread our wings without much criticism but deep down Trixie will always be Dad’s little girl. I wish I had more to share with them. They are going to have a lot of questions and I’m not going to have any answers.”

As they got out of the car they realized Mart and Di’s Town and Country was also parked at the farm.

“Looks like Mart’s going find out what’s going on sooner than Trixie and Jim anticipated,” observed Honey.

Brian walked around the car and took Honey’s hand as they trudged toward the house. “Well, I don’t think they will mind if we tell them since they are already here.” Brian stopped for a second and looked over at Honey. “I wonder if their kids are here as well. If they are Moms and Dad are probably at the end of their ropes.”

Di and Mart had four kids. Alex was 10 and the oldest Belden grandchild. He had inherited his dad’s love for words. Tommy was a year younger and a computer whiz. Twins Jill and Jody were six years old and in the same class as Lizzie.

When Brian and Honey entered the house they were surprised how quiet it was. Mart, Di and Helen Belden, known to most as Moms, were sitting at the table drinking coffee. A quick peek into the family room showed that Stella and Jenny were asleep on makeshift beds made out of blankets. Mickey and Matt were watching TV and Peter Belden was reading to Lizzie. There was no sign of Mart and Di’s clan.

When Brian and Honey walked into the kitchen all eyes focused on them. One look at Brian told them things didn’t look good.

“Brian, what’s going on? You call and ask me to take care of your and Trixie’s kids without any explanation. We’ve all been worried.” Moms usually didn’t ask too many questions, trying to give her children space, but she just knew something wasn’t right.

“Why don’t I go in and relieve Dad of Lizzie so he can be in on this discussion?” suggested Honey.

Honey went in and tried to distract the three older children while Peter went in to listen to what Brian had to say. Unfortunately no matter how quiet Brian tried to be Matt and Lizzie heard just enough to know something was wrong with their mother.

Brian told everyone in the kitchen what had transpired over the last few hours. Diana leaned her head against her husband’s shoulder as tears fell silently down her cheeks. Moms tried to act brave but everyone knew it was just a front. For once Mart was speechless. Peter Belden did something Brian hadn’t seen since Trixie’s wedding. He cried.

Everyone had lots of questions and Brian tried to answer them as best as he could. “As I said we’ll know more tomorrow after Trixie and Jim go to see the doctor again. Dr. Weber is one of the best and what makes it even better is that he has the best bedside manner.”

“What can we do to help? I feel so helpless,” Mart said.

“Well, right now I think we’ll need to sit tight until after tomorrow’s appointment. I do know they would like to keep things quiet for now.” Brian explained.

“I know I’ll have to keep busy tomorrow. Why don’t I make dinner for them? I’ll make enough for all of us in case Jim and Trixie would like to have family around.” Moms was never one to sit around and wallow in worry.

Honey stuck her head into the kitchen and motioned to Brian. “Mickey, Matt and Lizzie overheard part of the conversation you had and know something is wrong with Trixie. Someone needs to talk to them before they totally freak out.”

“I was afraid this would happen,” Brian said. “I’ll explain that Trixie is sick and we don’t know a lot right now. Hopefully that will quell their curiosity.”

“After you’re done we should get going too.” Honey began. “We need to run into town and pick up that prescription before we head back to Jim and Trixie’s.”

Brian went in and spoke with Mickey, Matt and Lizzie. In words they would understand, he explained that Trixie was sick and right now they didn’t have a lot of answers.

By the time Brian finished talking with the kids, the rest of the adults had formulated a plan for the rest of the evening. Mart and Di’s kids were with Di’s parents and would stay there for the evening. The rest of the grandkids would stay at Crabapple Farm with Moms and Dad. It didn’t make sense to wake up Stella or Jenny. Honey and Moms were also worried about the older children and how they would react to this news.

Despite the fact that Jim and Trixie hadn’t planned on telling Mart and Di until the next day, they wanted to be there for them. Di and Mart would run into town, pick up the prescription Brian had phoned in earlier, pick up Brian’s car, grab Chinese takeout and head over to Jim and Trixie’s. Brian had some additional information to share with Jim, so he and Honey would head over there now.

Within five minutes everyone had cleared out of Moms’ kitchen and headed on their way. Helen stepped into Peter’s arms and he embraced her. “We’ll get through this,” he said more to boost himself up than because he actually believed he would.

“We will. Right now we have three very scared children in the family room. Let’s go see if we can’t keep them occupied. Maybe we should try to get them to sleep.” Moms looked at her watch. “Oh, my! It feels like midnight instead of 7:00.”

Chapter Four

Jim pulled Trixie’s Expedition into the garage. He looked over at her and wasn’t surprised to see she had fallen asleep in the quick ride from the Academy. He couldn’t remember feeling so emotionally exhausted. Walking around the car to the passenger side Jim debated about whether he should carry her inside or wake her up. Remembering their earlier conversation, he decided to wake her up.

“Trix, we’re home.” Gently he shook her awake. When Trixie realized they were in the garage, she wiped the sleep away from her eyes and looked into Jim’s.

“I can’t believe I fell asleep. I’ve never felt so exhausted in my life.” She reached to unbuckle seat belt. Jim tried to help her out of the car.

“I’m not an invalid yet, Jim.”

“I know. I’m just trying to be chivalrous.”

They made their way into the house, and with unspoken understanding, headed toward their den.

When Jim and Trixie had begun the design for their home, they knew they would like a haven from the chaos of their lives. Their den was designed to let them escape when things got too hectic. The walls were lined with black walnut bookshelves. Here was where Trixie stored her beloved Lucy Radcliffe novels and Jim kept his collection of first edition Zane Grey books. Amidst those books were photographs that Diana had taken and Mart had framed that commemorated milestones in their lives.

Large sofas and a recliner in dark brown micro suede were arranged to allow for easy conversation but did not block the view from the large bay window that overlooked the Wheeler game preserve. A cushioned window seat with lots of pillows made for a perfect place to curl up with a good book or watch the wildlife that frequented the feeders Jim had built. Originally, they had decided to not put any electronic gadgets in the room, but quickly changed their minds and installed a state-of-the-art sound system. A phone was also added when they realized they were missing too many important phone calls because they couldn’t hear it ring.

Both Trixie and Jim collapsed on a sofa next to one another. She glanced at the clock on the wall and gasped. “I can’t believe it’s only 6:15. It feels like it should be after midnight.”

“It’ll take a while before Brian gets back. Would you like something to drink?”

“Right now all I’d like is a huge glass of ice water and some Tylenol. My head is pounding and I really would like to be coherent when Brian tells me all that I missed during my conversation with Dr. Weber.”

“Just sit back and relax and I’ll be back in a minute.”

Jim went out and found the Tylenol and a glass of water. He grabbed a beer for himself. When he returned to the den, Trixie had once again fallen asleep. Deciding not to wake her, he left the glass and pill on an end table and found a blanket to cover her up with.

Jim sat down in a recliner and tried to read the latest issue of Time Magazine. His mind kept wandering. He must have dozed off because the next thing he knew he heard someone knocking at the door. A quick glance at his watch, and he realized only forty-five minutes had passed. Jim checked on Trixie to make sure she hadn’t been disturbed. Then he went to open the door for Brian and Honey.

“That was quick. I didn’t expect to see you guys for another hour.”

Brian explained all that had transpired down at Crabapple Farm. When he started telling of the kids’ reactions, Jim began to worry even more.

“Damn, I didn’t want to worry the kids yet,” said Jim. “Not until we know something more concrete. I’ll call down to Moms in a little while and see how they are doing. If I need to, I’ll run down there later.”

“I hope you’re not too upset about Mart and Di knowing. I’d forgotten they had an appointment with the bank today about refinancing their mortgage,” Honey said. She was always one to consider other people’s feelings first.

Jim gave Honey a quick hug and said, “Don’t worry about it for one minute. I’m kind of relieved they know. That’s two less people to tell tomorrow.” Jim started to head toward the kitchen. “Mart has a way with Trixie. You know how they are. Quarreling all the time but able to read each other when no one else can.” He turned to look at the Beldens. “Trixie’s asleep in the den. Why don’t I grab something for you guys to drink and head down there?”

“You sure you don’t want to go somewhere else so she can sleep?” Honey asked.

As they moved to the kitchen to get the drinks Jim replied, “I’d rather be in there in case she wakes up. I know there is more that Brian wanted to share with me. If she wakes up, I’d like to be in a place where she will hear it as well.” Already, Jim realized that one of the most important things would be to include Trixie in all discussions about her care. If she did not want to deal with it, then she would be the one to say so.

When they got to the den, Trixie was still asleep. Jim sat down on the plush carpeting in front of the sofa Trixie was sleeping on and took a sip of the beer he’d left on the table. Even as an adult he still found comfort in sitting on the floor surrounded by loved ones. Brian and Honey joined him on the floor.

While Trixie slept, Brian shared with Jim the rest of the information Dr. Weber had told him. He explained what the prognosis was and that Dr. Weber thought that her chances of beating the cancer and living a normal life were great. Jim heaved a sigh of relief.

“Thanks so much, Brian, for coming back here and explaining this. Had you told me all of this at the Academy. I don’t think any of it would have sunk in. I needed to gather my thoughts before I could listen and hear what you said.”

As they finished the discussion, Trixie began to stir. When she opened her eyes and saw Jim sitting on the floor in front of her, a smile started across her face. Then she spotted Brian and Honey. “Oh, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. You should have woken me up. I wanted to hear from Brian what I missed from Dr. Weber.” As Jim got to his feet, Trixie tried to sit up.

“How’s your headache, Trix? When I came back with the Tylenol you were sound asleep so I didn’t wake you up,” Jim asked.

He walked over and picked up the pill and glass of water and handed it to her. After taking the pills, Trixie replied. “Well, it only feels like horses are stampeding through it now. Before I would have sworn a herd of elephants was in there.”

Jim sat down next to Trixie and grabbed her free hand. Brian and Honey also stood up and took seats on the adjacent love seat. “Where’s the food? I’m suddenly starved.”

Jim told Trixie about Di and Mart being over at the farm and about the kids. “Oh, God, Jim! I can’t bear to think of my kids going through all of this suffering.”

“I spoke with Lizzie, Matt and Mickey. I just said that you were sick and we would know more tomorrow.” Brian said trying to reassure Trixie. As he spoke, he walked over to Trixie, grabbed her hands and bent at the knees so he could look her directly in the eyes. “I answered their basic questions. I think they were kind of relieved. Matt and Lizzie have sensed something was bothering you. Then when the after school plans changed, they were really worried.”

Trixie looked into Jim’s eyes and saw the same tears brimming in them that were brimming in hers. “Those precious children,” she said, trying to rub the tears from her eyes. “I was so hoping that I wouldn’t have to tell them anything. I was hoping that the lump was just a wakeup call and not anything else.”

Jim put his arm around Trixie and said, “I’ll run down to Crabapple Farm when everyone leaves and see how the kids are doing. I’ll even bring them home if you want.”

“Let’s see how things go once Di and Mart get here. I still need to have a discussion with Brian. I know that Dr. Weber tried to tell me some important information, and I have no idea what it was.”

“Do you want to wait until Di and Mart get here?” Brian said standing up and returning to sit next to his wife. “They shouldn’t be long, and I didn’t share that information with them when I was at the farm. Jim didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t want to share with them something you and Jim weren’t aware of. Jim and I discussed it while you were sleeping.”

“I can wait a few more minutes,” Trixie replied. Concern filled her eyes as she continued, “Brian, you must be as exhausted as the rest of us. I’m so glad of your medical background. I don’t know how someone who doesn’t have that resource can wallow through all of it.” Trixie stood up and hugged Brian and then Honey.

“Years of twenty-four hour shifts during my residency have given me a lot of resilience. I see that same resilience in you, Trixie.”

The foursome heard two cars pull up into the driveway. Trixie struggled to get to her feet and stumbled. Both Jim and Brian were quick to help.

“Let me do this myself. My foot fell asleep and it’s driving me crazy,” Trixie knew if she allowed Jim to coddle her, she would soon go stark raving mad.

Trixie got up and left the den and headed to the entryway. When she opened the door, Di and Mart were surprised to see her up. Trixie looked worse than they’d ever seen her but not as bad as they had anticipated. After embracing both of them, Trixie took their coats and guided them to the den. Then she went into the kitchen to get them some drinks and some plates and silverware.

“That sure wasn’t what I expected,” commented Mart after Trixie left the room.

“Well, you know Trixie. She’s not one to wallow in self-pity for long. I’m sure she’s scared to death, but she’s trying to put everyone else at ease. We shouldn’t be surprised,” Jim said. “That’s how she’s handled everything we’ve had to deal with for Lizzie. She even decided to wait until you got here to hear the rest of the information Dr. Weber told Brian. She didn’t want to exhaust Brian with telling the story too many times.”

Trixie returned with the drinks and plates. Pretty soon, all six of them were back sitting on the floor using the coffee table as a dining table. As they ate, Brian explained again everything that Dr. Weber had told him. This time Trixie heard what was being said and was able to ask informed questions.

As they finished up the meal Trixie looked at Brian again. “I have another favor to ask you,” she started. “You know Jim and I have an appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Weber. Do you think you can possibly come for at least part of it? Even if you weren’t a doctor, I’d want you there. I want someone there who can think of the right questions to ask and can understand what’s being said.” Trixie began cleaning up the plates and take out cartons. It was as if she needed to keep her hands busy in order to keep her mind from dwelling on unpleasant thoughts. “That way when I have some burning question in the middle of the night, I can wake you up instead of Dr. Weber.” Trixie winked at Honey when she made the last statement.

“I’ll clear my schedule for the appointment. They usually hold the 8:30 and 9:00 appointments for urgent calls that come in the morning. I’ll try to reschedule my 9:30. And don’t worry, I’ll answer your questions any time; well, except maybe if I’m playing doctor with my wife.” Brian winked at Jim.

“TMI, TMI,” Mart and Trixie said in unison while Honey blushed. Trixie started to giggle. The kind of giggle that starts with something inane but because you are so exhausted it seems extremely funny. She looked at Mart and he was holding his stomach in. Before long, all six of the Bob-Whites were laughing uncontrollably.

“Stop,” Trixie struggled to say. “My stomach hurts from laughing.”

“Well, you know they say laughter is the best medicine,” Di replied. That sent Trixie into another fit of laughter.

Finally she got out, “If that’s the case then after the last ten minutes, I have reduced the need for chemotherapy.”

“On that note, I think we should go. It’s after nine and we still need to get Mickey and Stella home,” said Honey. “I just hope they don’t have any nightmares.”

“Yeah, we’d better get going too. If Jill and Jody don’t get enough sleep, they’ll be bears in the morning,” Di remarked as they all headed for the door.

Jim asked Mart to hold down the fort at the school until he could get there later in the day.

Brian pulled Trixie aside, “How are you really doing? You seem to have done a complete 180.”

“I really am feeling much better. I think the naps I took cleared my brain enough to see the positives.”

“Don’t try to keep up an act of everything being all right. It’s okay to cry and show your emotions.”

“I know, Brian. I’ll try. It’s not something I’m used to doing. I am going to take that sedative once Jim gets back from Moms’. I really think it’s important for him to go and see the kids.”

After a few words exchanged among them and hugs to everyone, they all started for their cars leaving Trixie and Jim standing in the doorway waving them off.

“Jim, I know it’s late, but could you please bring the kids home. I really need to see them and I think Lizzie and Matt need to see me,” Trixie said.

“I was just going to suggest that. Why don’t you go and put on a comfortable nightgown and get ready for bed? Then when I’m back we can speak with the kids and put them to bed.”

With that, Jim went to Crabapple Farm. When he got there, he found Jenny still asleep on the floor. Matt and Mickey had fallen asleep sitting up on the couch watching a video. Lizzie and her grandpa were sleeping in the recliner.

Jim had explained to Moms that Trixie wanted to see the kids. Moms was pleasantly surprised that Trixie had gotten a hold of her emotions. “Leave Jenny here,” she said. “I’ll carry her up to the crib in Trixie’s old room. She’s pretty oblivious to what’s going on, but Lizzie and Matt really do need to see their mom tonight.”

Jim and Moms made quick order of getting the kids backpacks and homework together in the car before they woke up the kids. Jim bent down to pick up Lizzie from Peter Belden’s arms. She stirred a little. When she realized her dad was there, she hugged him tightly.

“Is Mommy going to be okay?” she asked.

“She’s doing better now.” Jim had discussed with Brian how to answer the kids’ questions. The best suggestion he’d given Jim was to always be honest and to answer the questions they asked, but not to get more detailed than the kids want. “She wants to see you. Is that okay?”

Lizzie smiled and nodded her head. After getting Lizzie’s coat and shoes on her, Jim carried her out to the car. Brian had pulled up behind Jim and was busy getting both Mickey’s and Matt’s coats on. Honey tried to bundle Stella up without waking her.

Chapter Five

When Jim returned with the kids, they found Trixie sitting in the den staring off into space. While she still looked tired, she had lost that exhausted look. When Lizzie and Matt walked into the room, her face lit up and she raced to embrace them.

“Mommy, are you really sick?” asked Matt.

Trixie took a deep breath and looked into his eyes and nodded her head. She couldn’t get the words out over the lump in her throat.

“Will you be better so you can chaperone our trip to the museum next week?” asked Lizzie.

“It’s going be a long time before I’m completely well,” Trixie answered honestly.

“Your mom has cancer. Remember, Uncle Brian explained that to you,” Jim reminded the kids. “Sometimes you won’t even know Mom is sick and other times she’s going to be really sick.” Jim saw the look of despair in their eyes.

“Mom,” Lizzie started. She hesitated, “Are you….are you gonna die?”

Tears formed in both Trixie’s and Jim’s eyes. Trixie started to reply, but couldn’t get the words out. Silently her eyes pled with Jim to explain.

“Lizzie, Matt, everyone is going to die sometime. While cancer does kill people, many people survive. Uncle Brian told me that the type of cancer your mom has is very treatable.”

“Can’t you just operate and make it better like you did when Lizzie had problems breathing?” asked Matt.

“It’s not that simple. Your mom and I have to go back and see the doctor tomorrow. Then we will know what we have to do to get your mom better.” Jim’s heart broke as both children climbed up on their mother’s lap and embraced her.

“Kids, I don’t have all of the answers. I do promise that any question you ask me, I’ll answer it as honestly as I can.” Trixie kissed both of the children.

“It’s been a long night. I think we all could stand to go to bed. You guys go up and change into you pajamas and brush your teeth. Your mom and I will be up in a minute to tuck you in.”

Reluctantly the kids got off of their mother’s lap and headed upstairs to get changed. Jim pulled Trixie to her feet and together walked through the house, shutting off the lights, and locking the doors along the way.

After the kids were safely tucked in, Trixie took the sedative Brian had prescribed and crawled into bed. Jim quickly stripped off his clothes, and climbed into bed as he always did with his just his boxers on. In the darkness of the night, Trixie reflected on all that had transpired.

“I’m scared, Jim,” she cried. “Really scared. Worse than when Honey and I were trapped on that boat along the Mississippi. Worse than when we were caught in that flood in Iowa when we were kids. Worse than before Lizzie’s first surgery.” Trixie wrapped her arms around herself trying to ward off the fears those memories awakened.

“Come here.” Jim took Trixie in her arms. “I’m scared too. I think the way we survive this is to not be afraid to share our true feelings with each other. We’re in this together.”

The sedative had begun to take effect. With a big yawn, Trixie suddenly fell asleep. He held her, stroking her blond curls, silently letting the tears run down his cheeks. It was a long while before sleep came.

Down the road Honey and Brian had just finished putting Mickey and Stella to bed. Mickey had a lot of questions that he wanted answered. Brian did his best to explain again what was happening.

Arm in arm, Brian and Honey walked up into their bedroom. Honey changed into a silk nightgown and Brian started to change into the pajamas he always started the night wearing.

“God, I can’t remember when I felt so completely exhausted,” Brian said.

“It’s been an emotional roller coaster for everyone, but you were the one that had to explain everything and answer all those questions.” Honey knelt on the bed behind Brian and began kneading the tension out of his neck and back.

“Mmmm. Has anyone ever told you your fingers are magic?” Brian tilted his head to the right so Honey could access his left shoulder, which was particularly tight. She began trailing kisses along his neck and back as she continued to massage his back. Brian turned to face Honey and pulled her into a passionate embrace. Proving that he really wasn’t the boring Brian of his youth he said, “Make love to me.”

Sometime later Honey lay snuggled up in Brian’s arms sound asleep. He held her, stroking her golden hair, silently letting the tears run down his cheeks. It was a long while before sleep came.

On the other side of town Mart and Diana had just finished tucking in their children. They had decided that they would wait and tell them about their Aunt Trixie tomorrow after they heard from Trixie and Jim. It was late, and since the kids had no idea what was going on, Mart and Di wanted to wait until they had more answers to the questions they might ask.

When the doors were locked and the lights turned out, Mart and Di retreated to their bedroom. After she changed into a pair of men’s pajamas she’d confiscated from Mart’s drawers years ago, Di began pacing back and forth. “I’m still in shock. I just can’t believe it. Ever since our junior year in college Trixie has been the one who has really paid attention to her health. And poor Brian, having to repeat over and over what he knew.”

Mart sat on the bed and started to remove his shirt and pants. For years he had slept only in his briefs. “I know what you mean. The last thing I expected when Brian and Honey showed up at Moms and Dad’s was that. I knew something was wrong, but I just assumed Lizzie probably needed another surgery.”

Di continued to pace. “I need to do something. I feel so helpless.”

“I think we need to take the lead from Trixie. You know how independent she is. You saw how she was getting drinks and playing the hostess. It’s her way of having something to control when she feels her entire world has just started to spin out of it.”

“I understand what you’re saying, but I still want to do something.” All of a sudden Di’s violet eyes widened. She groaned. “Oh no, can you imagine what it’s going to be like when they have to tell the students at the Academy. Every one of those kids just adores her and so many have them have lost so much. I’m so glad Jim was able to hire a reputable school psychologist this fall.”

Di’s pacing increased until Mart finally grabbed her hand and pulled her onto the bed. “You’re going to wear a hole in the rug if you don’t stop that.” He pulled her into his arms and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“I know. I’m just so keyed up. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall asleep.”

Leaning against the headboard Mart pulled Diana back into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder. “I know but we’ve got to get some sleep. Morning is going to come early, and it’s going take all of our strength to hold down the fort at the Academy without giving anything away.”

Despite what she had said, Diana was asleep in minutes. Mart’s arms were wrapped securely around her. Mart held her, stroking her raven tresses, silently letting the tears run down his cheeks. It was a long while before sleep came.

At Crabapple Farm Helen and Peter Belden were looking in on Jenny sleeping in Trixie’s old bedroom. “She looks so angelic in sleep, but she sure can wear you out,” commented Peter.

“I sure feel every year of my age. I forgot how much work it can be to have five children to watch at the same time. It’s a good thing Matt and Mickey take after their fathers and look out for their siblings,” replied Helen.

They left the bedroom and headed toward their bedroom. “In some respects, tomorrow is going to be harder than today,” Peter commented. “No one has even talked about calling Bob. I can’t even begin to think what his reaction will be.”

Bob was a Civil Engineer. He and his wife Tanya lived in White Plains. He worked for a consulting firm. Tanya was a pharmacist. They were expecting their first child in March.

“You’ll be surprised,” Helen said. “I think we all tend to sell Bob short because he’s the youngest, but he really has turned into quite the young man.”

Helen sat on the bed and removed her shoes. She put on a flannel nightgown similar to the ones she had been wearing to bed every winter for the almost forty years of their marriage. Peter slipped on the pajama bottoms he’d taken to wearing and got into bed.

Looking up at the ceiling Helen muttered, “Oh God, please let us get through tomorrow and learn to take one day at a time.”

Helen leaned against Peter and immediately fell asleep. Peter held her, stroking the blond curls, so like Trixie’s except for the touches of gray, silently letting the tears run down his cheeks. It was a long while before sleep came.

 

 

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