July 4, 2004

Happy Birthday, America!! Yeah, right. Well, Dan deployed to Iraq a week ago. Before he left, the Bob-Whites had a little going away party and Diana gave both of us journals to write down our feelings, record any happenings or whatever we wanted. I didn’t think I would write much but now a week later I find myself in need of writing something.

This deployment couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I’ve finally got my dream job. I’m working for a firm that represents corporations that have environmental issues. I like the firm because while they want a positive outcome for their clients, they also want to protect the environment. It’s challenging work, but I love it.

Our professional lives were in order and we had just started to think about having a baby. We’re not getting any younger. I have to remember that when it’s meant to be it will happen. I shouldn’t complain too much. Dan has it much worse than I do. The police department had just announced they were going to interview for detective positions.

Sending Dan off was harder than I thought it would be. Even though I always knew intellectually that he could be activated, I never really accepted it emotionally. Ever since he got his orders, I have tried to be strong. I knew if I broke down, I would never recover. So while Dan went off to do the prep training, I stayed back and practiced running the house by myself.

If I didn’t realize how much he does around the house, I do now. Not just the manly things like mowing the lawn and taking care of the cars, but also cleaning the toilets and making sure the groceries get bought.

The day he left was so hard. Dan didn’t want a lot of people to see him off, so it was just Mr. Maypenny and I who went to the sendoff. All of the pomp and circumstance got to be a bit much. I know I should appreciate the tradition, but all I could think of was that instead of standing watching the troops march in formation, I could be spending time saying good-bye in my own way.

When the time came for Dan to board the plane, it was all I could do to keep from losing it. The only way I could do it was by not saying anything. Dan couldn’t understand what I was going through and kept asking if I was mad. I just couldn’t let him see me as being weak.

As soon as he was in the plane, I broke down. I collapsed on the tarmac and sobbed. Poor Mr. Maypenny. He didn’t know what to do. He let me cry for several minutes, sensing I didn’t want to be consoled. Then he wrapped his arms around me and walked me back to the car. He even offered to drive. My heart broke for his kindness. He hates to drive even more than Regan does. When I finally looked in his eyes, I saw my sorrow reflected in his. It hit me that he had just sent his only son off to war and was worried that he wouldn’t come back.

So I pulled myself together and we made it back home. The past few days have been spent adjusting to a quiet house. I find myself turning on the TV just for the noise. Yesterday, I turned on Sponge Bob Square Pants. I think I’ve sunk to a new low.

Today, I went to Aunt Helen and Uncle Peter’s to celebrate the holiday. Everyone was there with their kids. I really tried to get into the celebration, but I just couldn’t do it. At one point, Lizzie climbed into my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. She already misses Dan. I don’t know how she’ll handle her craniofacial checkup next March. Dan’s the one who always gets her excited about it.

I haven’t heard from Dan yet. I was hoping he would e-mail me by now. He has a laptop but wasn’t sure what the internet access will be. I guess no news is good news.

July 15, 2004

Well, I finally got some news from Dan. That’s not quite true. I was able to get a quick e-mail on July 6 telling me that he had arrived. There wasn’t anything else in that e-mail, so I spent a week wondering and worrying about what was going on. I have had absolutely no motivation since Dan left. Dishes get left in the sink. I do laundry when I’ve worn every piece of underwear I own, including some really ratty ones I’m not sure why I’ve kept, but am glad for now.

Diana came over the other night. She didn’t say anything but I know she must have been shocked by what she saw. The next night Mart came over to mow the lawn and check to see if I needed anything else. Brian called to make sure I was feeling okay. I love my cousin dearly, but sometimes his concern just gets to me. I know he’s just being his honorable, responsible self, but sometimes I wish his first concern was not about my health.

Trixie, being Trixie, came over and helped me clean up the house. I hate to admit it, but it was the best thing anyone has done. I know how much to this day she hates to clean house (and don’t tell anyone I told you, but she has Merry Maids come out every week to do the heavy duty cleaning). She didn’t do all the work and let me wallow around in self-pity. No, she cracked her whip and together we did a cleaning that would rival Aunt Helen’s spring cleaning weekend. I don’t know if the house has been this clean since we moved in.

It felt good to have a clean house. It felt even better to crawl into a bed with clean sheets that had been hung on the line to dry. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t roll around for hours before I fell asleep. My body was physically exhausted, but that was a good thing.

Aunt Helen sent over a bunch of frozen homemade single serving meals. She said that they were just leftovers from dinners she had made for Uncle Peter and herself. Something about not remembering it was only the two of them for dinner. I wasn’t fooled, but I didn’t care. It’s nice to have family that cares so much.

August 1, 2004

Got my period today. I’ve never been so heartbroken in my life. I was so hoping we made a baby the last night before Dan left. It would have given me so much to look forward to while he is gone. It would have been difficult, but I know I could have handled it.

Oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have been doing it by myself. I have my Bob-White family, who would be there every step of the way. Knut and Cap would probably as well. I won’t think of what Mother would say.

August 27, 2004

Haven’t heard from Dan in several days. Work is getting really hectic. My firm is getting ready to defend a local farming organization against the environmental group that has accused the farmers of inhumane farming practices and excessive odor. Most of the farms have been in operation for over one hundred years. People have moved into the country to be in fresh air and now they don’t like the fresh farm air. It would be different if the farm moved in by a subdivision, but they should have known there could be issues building next to a dairy farm.

Well, at least it takes my mind off of wondering what Dan is doing. For a few minutes anyway. I’m getting frustrated. His letters and e-mails don’t tell me anything. I have no idea what he’s actually doing. I know he’s in Bagdad and that he is an MP, but that’s all. The only things he’s asked me to send him are playing cards, hard candies, Aunt Helen’s chocolate chip cookies and wet wipes. The platoons received so many care packages the first year of the war that they have a mini storage area set up like a store. Americans have been so generous.

Last week the clothes washer went on the fritz. Of course, the warranty had just expired. What a pain. I had to find the owner’s manual and then I tried to figure out what was wrong. I didn’t want to pay for a service call if it was something simple. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure it out. Diana had stopped by and insisted Mart could come over and check it out. Next thing I know not only is Mart on my door step, but the rest of the Bob-Whites as well.

Trixie and Jim showed up with a huge picnic basket filled with dinner. Brian and Honey just happened to drop by. Brian said he was going to mow the lawn and Honey came along. It was pretty obvious they were all here to cheer me up and I certainly appreciated it.

Left to my own devices, I would probably just go to work, come home, and hole up in my house. Forget about cleaning or cooking. By the time Dan would get home I’d have gained fifty pounds due to a healthy diet of chocolate and potato chips.

September 1, 2004

I’m an aunt again!! Brian and Honey had a gorgeous little girl this morning. She’s just adorable with Brian’s dark hair and Honey’s eyes. Everything went perfectly. Stella Madeline weighs six pounds, eleven ounces and is twenty inches long. I cried when they asked Dan and me to be her Godparents.

October 23, 2004

It’s Brian’s birthday today. Honey planned a big party with all of the kids. I don’t know how she did it with the new baby and everything, but she did. It was so much fun. She had traditional birthday party games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey, a Scavenger Hunt, Balloon Pop and Uncle Peter came up with some unique games to play as well. Everyone participated in the games. Aunt Helen rocked at Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I don’t know who had more fun, the kids or the adults. It sure was a great way to take my mind off of Dan. I heard from him last night but he was awfully quiet. He surprised me with a call. Said he waited in line for three hours. Unfortunately, we only got to talk for about ten minutes. There were about ten people behind him waiting for the phone.

He didn’t say too much of anything, just asked me if everything was okay. I told him yes, because I don’t want him to worry and I guess everything is as okay as it can be.

I can’t imagine what the families of servicemen did during World War II. They didn’t have the instant news we have today. Maybe that wasn’t so bad. Sometimes it’s difficult watching the news and wondering what I will see. Of course, back then the home front didn’t know how bad it was.

Dan did say he wanted me to be honest with him about what was happening. I just don’t know what to tell him. What if he got hurt because he was wondering if I got the plumbing fixed or if I figured out how to winterize the house? Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. I guess I’ll have to think on that.

November 18, 2004

What a crappy day. We were denied a postponement for the civil trial with the farmers. In the past two weeks, I’ve spent what seems like 200 hours getting that brief together, as well as taking depositions and filing other paperwork.

The furnace quit working and I had to call in a repairman. It was something major and I had to decide whether to pay the two thousand dollars to repair it or invest in a new furnace. It was original to the house and about 18 years old. So after conferring with Uncle Peter and Jim, I decided to have it replaced. I did what I thought best.

Dan called tonight and when I told him about it, he got quiet and acted funny. I wonder if he thought I should have repaired it instead. When I asked him about it, he just clammed up more. Then I got testy with him. He ended up hanging up on me. I cried for an hour. When did I get to be so needy and dependent?

I tried to compose an e-mail but it just sounded so forced and contrived. I’ll try again tomorrow. Also will send a care package. We have some great pictures of Halloween and Brian’s birthday party that I thought I’d put into a scrapbook. I wish I could think of a way to send food from the Belden Thanksgiving Open House next week. I know how much Dan loves Aunt Helen’s dressing.

November 24, 2004, Thanksgiving Day

Spent the day at Aunt Helen and Uncle Peter’s helping out with their Annual Open House. Some things never change. Brian and Mart still parked the cars and Trixie helped with the food. It was so funny. Honey found a ring that resembled the fake one that Bobby lost all those years ago. She wore it on her right hand. Old Mr. Lytell may be getting older but he still has eyes like an eagle. He spotted that ring a mile away. He and Trixie had a good laugh over it and then for good measure she dropped it into a potato chip bowl.

Without any prodding, Bobby found the ring and proceeded to lose it and then go hide. It was great watching everyone re-enact a fond memory. At the end of the night, Brian presented Mr. Lytell with fifty dollars in Monopoly money and somehow he had a matchbox car to complete the exchange. Everyone had a good time.

Despite the fun, I really missed Dan. I know that I am a part of this wonderful family, but it’s not the same without him. He gets me and understands my frustration with my mother. And I couldn’t believe it. Mother called me last week. Didn’t ask about Dan or how I was holding up. Reminded me that if I had done her bidding when I was in high school and had a debut, I would have snagged a rich husband who wouldn’t have enlisted in the Army. Then made noises about getting Mrs. Wheeler to finagle an invitation to some big charity Christmas party. You’d think after almost twenty years she would get it.

Back to Dan, I hoped he would get a chance to call me today, but I suppose everyone was trying to get through and the phone lines were super long.

I don’t know why I worry. Every time I call or talk to him he just seems to clam up. He doesn’t seem interested in what’s happening at home and when I ask about what he’s doing, he says he just can’t talk about it. I wish I could just see his face.

December 11, 2004

Got the Christmas tree up today. Mart and Jim came over with a couple of the kids from the school and a huge fresh-cut pine tree from the preserve. They set it up in the stand and got all of the lights on the tree. The next thing I knew, Trixie, Honey, Diana and their kids came over to help put the ornaments on the tree. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put on the ornaments that Dan and I have chosen over the years. That didn’t stop them. They made paper chains and strung popcorn and cranberry garland. Diana had spools of red velvet ribbon and made more bows than I care to imagine. The kids made candy cane reindeer.

Then Jim handed me hand print ornaments the kids at the school made. There were more reindeer, Santa Clauses, some turkeys, and so many more. Someone had taken pictures of Dan and made ornaments using yarn and plastic canvas. Aunt Helen and Honey, who have been teaching some of the older girls to sew, had helped them make felt ornaments.

The sweetest thing was that the fourth graders made a nativity scene using felt, wooden pieces and cork. It included a crèche constructed of things they found in the preserve. And not only did they make one for me, but they made one for Dan. They sent it to him last month with instructions not to open until today, so that he could decorate when we were.

It was great. He called just when we were finishing up. Best of all, he seemed to be in a happy mood. His crèche was a huge hit in his unit and he asked if they could possibly make a few more and send them. He knew several enlistees who really could use something like that.

Jim didn’t know if they’d get there by Christmas, but Dan assured him that even if they came for Easter they would be greatly appreciated.

We were able to talk longer than we normally do. He said that he had to request his two week leave. Christmas was out of the question. He didn’t know if he wanted to request for January or February because the weather could be so fickle, but if he waited until spring it would only be a few months before their deployment was complete.

I was disappointed but I didn’t tell Dan. He was trying to do the best he could and he said there were some younger guys that were really homesick. That’s Dan for you. Always thinking of someone else. I just wish that someone would be me sometimes.

December 20, 2004

I’m so worried. There were reports of an IED that blew up a convoy near where Dan is stationed. Several soldiers were killed including an officer with the MPs. I’ve been trying to get in touch with Dan for three days. I even called the Red Cross to see if they could help. No one has been able to tell me anything. I keep telling myself that if it had been him, they would have contacted me by now. I just want to hear his voice.

Work has slowed down until the first of the year. The farm suit was settled out of court and while neither side came out as true victors, I think we did okay for the farmers.

December 23, 2004

Still haven’t heard from Dan. Aunt Helen invited me to stay at Crabapple Farm for the holidays so I wouldn’t have to be in the house by myself. I think I might take her up on that. I haven’t heard anything from Mother, except when she called to try to put me on a guilt trip for not securing the party invitation she wanted. Cap and Knut have both invited me to their homes but I just don’t want to travel. I want to make sure if Dan calls, he’ll know where I am.

I hope I hear from him soon. I can’t sleep and my appetite is nothing. Trixie brought over a huge plate of Christmas Cookies yesterday. All of my favorites and all I could do was look at them. They all tasted like cardboard to me.

December 25, 2004 3:00 a.m.

I can’t sleep because I’m so excited. On Christmas Eve, Trixie and Jim dragged me up to the school to help with the activities that were planned for the day. The morning was spent wrapping presents the kids had collected for the family they adopted through social services. It was neat to see the kids, who have been dealt a raw deal, help people who are even less fortunate than they are.

The school held several fundraisers to help pay for the gifts. The Wheeler Foundation matched everything that they earned. They earned enough to buy presents for the entire family, food for two weeks and a few larger items the household needed.

It did the trick because for several hours I was able to just enjoy myself and not worry about Dan.

At noon, we headed over to Crabapple Farm. Aunt Helen was putting the finishing touches on the light buffet she was going to serve tonight before Christmas Eve Mass. Everyone was there, but surprisingly no one was under foot. Imagine my surprise when someone knocked on the door and Cap stood there with his entire family. Aunt Helen and Honey had been plotting for months. They’re staying at Manor House and they even worked it out so their family can do their Christmas morning family traditions all by themselves.

I ran back home around three o’clock to get changed for the evening. I pulled into the driveway and was a little concerned because all of the Christmas lights were on. I chalked it up to my forgetfulness or the timer acting wonky.

As I unlocked the door, I heard “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” playing. I shivered and carefully walked into the living room. There was Dan standing in front of the tree staring in wonder.

I raced into his arms and didn’t want to let him go. He looked exhausted. He’d lost weight and there was a haunted look in his eyes. But to me, he looked wonderful. All of my fears washed away as I held him for the first time in over six months. Our tears mingled.

Let’s just say we were a little late returning to Crabapple Farm. Trixie called about three times worried about me. I didn’t want her to worry but I didn’t want to spoil the surprise either.

Finally, we got ready and headed over there. It was so funny.

We just walked into the kitchen. Dan had decided not to wear his dress uniform to the services but instead wore a pair of Dockers and a sweater. He was rather nonchalant about the entire thing.

As we entered Aunt Helen said, “Oh, there you are, Hallie. I was getting worried about you.” She glanced up, saw Dan, and said, “Hi, Dan.” She went back to getting food on the table and then did a double take. She almost dropped the tray of veggies she was putting on the table. Mart rescued it. Aunt Helen pulled Dan into a tight embrace.

It brought tears to my eyes when she said, “Now my Christmas is complete. All of my children are home for the holidays.”

Of course, chaos reigned for the next few minutes. The only one who wasn’t surprised was Mart. Apparently, he had been in on the surprise since mid-August. He’s much better at keeping a secret than Trixie would have been.

The evening went way too fast and soon we were heading to church. Everyone came up to greet Dan and wish us well. It was wonderful, but exhausting. Dan’s head barely hit the pillow after we got home and he was out like a light. Me, I’m so keyed up I can’t sleep.

I need to stop writing and get some sleep. We’re invited over to the Wheelers’ tomorrow afternoon and the grandparents are taking care of all of the kids so the adults can have their annual Bob-White Christmas Party.

December 29, 2004

It’s been so hectic. I thought after Christmas Day we’d have a few days to spend alone together. Unfortunately, everyone wants to see Dan. Uncle Bill and Aunt Karla wanted to spend a day with us and the only day they both had available was the 26th. We had a wonderful time just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Bill and Dan did go for a long ride in the afternoon. They asked me to come along but I could tell Dan wanted some time just with his uncle. I love Karla dearly but we just don’t have a lot in common. She raises and shows Corgi dogs. It’s interesting for a while, but not for five hours.

It snowed about three inches last night. I got up and started the snow blower. Dan got all upset because I was doing “his” job. We had a huge argument. He accused me of rubbing it in his face that I was able to keep things together while he was away and said that he felt like he wasn’t needed anymore.

Somehow, he’d found out about some of the repairs I had to deal with in the past six months that I hadn’t told him about. He wanted to know if that was the only thing I was withholding from him. I lost it and went on a rampage, yelling about how hard it was to be left behind. I let him have it. Didn’t hold anything back. He heard about my fears, loneliness, fears, frustrations, fears, and more fears.

It wasn’t pretty but it did get a lot of issues out in the open. I was able to explain to him why I hadn’t shared everything with him. He began to open up about what he was experiencing in Iraq. When I asked him why I hadn’t been able to get in touch with him for the two weeks prior to when he came home, he answered honestly.

While he hadn’t been in the convoy that was hit by that IED, several of his good friends had been. Kevin Randals had barely survived. His legs were amputated above the knee and it was touch and go for several days. He was airlifted to Germany and was scheduled to be transported to Walter Reed later this week.

That wasn’t the worst though. Tommy Bradford didn’t make it. When the IED exploded, he threw his body over Kevin’s saving his life. It was like someone had released all of these emotions.

Dan was supposed to be on that trip but at the last minute something came up and so Tommy went instead. I can’t imagine the guilt he’s dealing with. Not sure what I would do in his place. They have counselors on the base but I’m not sure what they actually do. I’m hoping that maybe a long talk with Jim will help. They’ve always had a special bond because they both lost their parents at such an early age. I hope that with that out in the open, we can have a better rest of his leave.

December 30, 2004

Finally, we were able to get over to Mr. Maypenny’s and spent some time with him. It was nice. Mr. Maypenny made hunter’s stew and fresh bread. It was a lovely evening. I was happy that Dan and Mr. Maypenny had time together. Dan commented that Mr. Maypenny had really aged in the last six months. He’s really slowed down. I suggested that Dan spend the night for old time sake. He said he didn’t want to spend a night away from me. It made my heart ache.

January 1, 2005

Happy New Year!! Dan and I had a very quiet New Year’s Eve. We talked about going out but decided instead to just stay in and enjoy each other’s company. We turned on the TV to watch the ball drop, but barely were able to keep our eyes open.

Dan surprised me and cooked a really nice steak dinner. He even fired up the gas grill, despite it being twenty degrees outside. It was the best meal I’ve had in a long time. We had a really nice time just talking. He asked me about my job and I told him about the good things and some of the trying things as well.

We made plans for when he returns stateside for good. We both agreed that when he returns we want to start a family. We’re not getting any younger. The good thing will be that when we do start, we’ll have built in babysitters.

We even talked about a few projects around the house that need to be taken care of. He seemed so excited about doing some of those mundane chores I’ve been avoiding. I think that they won’t seem so mundane if we do them together.

We spent the day with Cap and his family. They’re leaving first thing tomorrow morning, as school starts the next day for the kids. It’s so easy to get caught up with Aunt Helen and Uncle Peter’s family since I’ve spent so much time with them that I forget sometimes how great my own brothers are.

Cap and Dan get along well, despite the rough start they had. We decided to go sledding down the Manor House hill in the morning. After lunch we went ice skating for a bit then sat down to a rousing game of Apples to Apples. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in my life.

Tonight, we were invited to Aunt Helen’s. She made bread and soup. It was the prefect fare after all of the food we’ve eaten all week. Even Mart only had one bowl.

January 7, 2005

Dan went back to Iraq today. We had a really great second week of his leave. My bosses were kind enough to let me take the week off. I did go in for a couple of hours to take care of some needed business but, for the most part, we just played like newlyweds. We did some of those projects around the house, talked, laughed and well, acted like newlyweds.

I’m going to miss him but he has less than six months and he’ll be home again. There’s a big storm coming in. I hope his plane doesn’t get delayed. Not that I really want him back where all of the action is, but I just hope he gets back safely. Being stranded in an airport sucks.

January 9, 2005

Got word that Dan made it back to Iraq okay with no delays. Now the countdown begins. He said their planned return date is June 29. That means there are 171 days until he returns.

February 14, 2005

Was surprised at work today with a bouquet of pink roses and white tulips. Dan is such a sweetheart. He remembered what I carried in my wedding bouquet. I’m not going to play Trixie and try to find out how he managed it. I’m going to pretend he just waved his magic wand.

I sent him cookies that will probably end up being crumbs by the time they get there, as well as some gum and his favorite hard candy. Diana took some great pictures over the holidays so I put together a small photo album of the best of them. I discovered I like to do scrapbook pages.

To pass the time, I have organized all of the photos and am starting to do some scrapbooking. It’s rather addictive. I’ve taken over the guest bedroom.

135 days and he’s home.

February 17, 2005

Got my period. I was quite late, so I had hoped I was pregnant. It would have been the best welcome home gift to give Dan. It will happen. I know it will. Trying not to be too disappointed. Dan called tonight but I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t want to hear the disappointment in his voice.

I could tell something was bothering him. I did ask if he wanted to talk about it. He didn’t but he did explain that he wasn’t quite ready to talk.

132 days and he’s home.

March 15, 2005

Beware the Ides of March. There was another massive IED that exploded near where Dan is stationed. They are reporting several casualties. I’ve been trying to contact him all day but I haven’t had any luck.

109 days and he’s home.

March 16, 2005

Got the call I hoped I would never get. It was a representative from the Pentagon. Dan was injured in that IED explosion. It was horrible. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. Couldn’t think of anything to ask. Fortunately, Jim had stopped by to shovel the front walk while I was on the phone. Thank goodness. He was able to get down the details and ask all of those right questions.

He isn’t seriously hurt. I guess it’s mostly superficial wounds. They’re not even going to evacuate him to Germany, but treat him and put him on light duty for the next few weeks. They are worried because they don’t know if shrapnel hit his head. There weren’t any physical signs, but he did lose consciousness for a few minutes.

Jim wouldn’t let me stay at the house by myself so I’m staying with him, Trixie and their kids for a few days.

108 days and he’s home

March 17, 2005

Dan called. I’ve never been so relieved to hear a voice in my life. He said he’s okay. Has a few stitches in his shoulder as well as on his leg. He even admitted how lucky he was. The shrapnel came very close to severing his femoral artery. I admit that I had to ask Brian about that and when I realized it was the main artery leading to the leg my knees almost buckled.

I stopped by church on the way home tonight and lit candles for him and all of those who were injured. For the three who died, I lit the big ones. I feel so for the families of those soldiers. Two of them were from White Plains and one was from Peekskill. The entire towns must be in mourning.

107 days and he’s home

March 18, 2005

Mr. Maypenny died today. He’d been doing well, but the winter had taken a toll on him. They think he died in his sleep. Regan and Tom had been taking turns checking on him every day. They don’t think he suffered. I’m feeling guilty because I hadn’t been out to see him in over a month.

Regan contacted the Red Cross to get a message to Dan. He hasn’t heard anything yet other than he was told it wouldn’t qualify as a family emergency since Mr. Maypenny was not a relative. I know it’s going to break Dan’s heart. Mr. Maypenny was more of a father to Dan than even his own father. Still trying to set a date for the services. If we don’t have it on Monday or Tuesday, we’ll have to wait until after Easter due to Holy Week.

March 22, 2005

Dan finally called. Because of the type of injuries he has, they moved him to a different hospital. His wounds are healing, but I fear his heart won’t for a long time. I wish he would let his emotions out. I know he was upset but he was very stoic about the whole thing.

We ended up scheduling the funeral for tomorrow. Dan wants to write a eulogy and for me to read it at the service. I hope he can get good internet service so he can send it to me. If not I think I can write something that will convey Dan’s feelings about this wonderful man. I wish I was there to give him comfort.

I just hope this isn’t going to be too much of a distraction for Dan. There’s been a lot of fighting in the area that he’s in and several soldiers have been seriously injured. Iraq is not a place to have to deal with distractions. Actually, Iraq is not a place to deal with anything. I wish he was home. Maybe it’s better that he’s injured right now. Then he doesn’t have to go outside of the compound.

March 23, 2005

The funeral was today. It was so hard to go to it by myself. Even though I was surrounded by loved ones, I still felt alone. I can’t imagine what Dan was going through, knowing that he couldn’t be here. The eulogy arrived about an hour before the service. I don’t know how I did it but I managed to make it through without breaking down. It was so beautifully written. He captured Mr. Maypenny perfectly and shared what he meant to him. I learned so much.

After the funeral, we all went out to the cabin to clean out the perishable items and close things up. We left everything pretty much as it was. Did find a container of hunter’s stew in the freezer that Mr. Maypenny had made. I took it home and am going to save it for when Dan gets home. We’ll eat it and reminisce.

March 27, 2005 Easter Sunday

It was a very nice Easter. Went over to Mart and Di’s. I brought the stuff for an Easter Egg hunt. It was so much fun watching everyone look for hidden treasure. Everything had a name on it and even the adults took part. I think everyone found all of the treasures but if they didn’t they’ll have a good laugh when a stray one is found.

I don’t need to eat another peep for at least a year. I did save a box for Dan. About a week before he comes home I’ll poke a hole in the package so they get nice and hard. That’s the way he likes them.

It was a nice distraction from Mr. Maypenny’s funeral. While we all grieved his loss in our own way, we were able to also enjoy life. It’s what Mr. Maypenny would have wanted.

93 days and he’s home.

April 9, 2005>

Got a care package from Dan. That seems so weird. I’m the one who has and should be sending them to him. It was so sweet. He had written me all of these sappy poems that rhymed. There must have been twenty of them. I’m rationing them and only reading one a day.

They finally took him off restriction. When I get communications from him, he doesn’t seem to be having any major residual issues. He could be hiding that from me but I don’t think he is.

81 days and he’s home.

May 1, 2005

Happy Birthday, Trixie! Happy May Day! It was so cute. Mickey, Matt and Tommy brought over a huge May basket filled with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats and black licorice. I hate black licorice but it’s Dan’s favorite. I’ll put it away for him when he gets home.

They tried to be sneaky about it and quietly came up the steps. I had heard the car drive up so before they rang the bell, I opened the door and surprised them. Caught all three of them and gave them bear hugs. The best part was that Trixie was there to take pictures. We all laughed and had a good time.

60 days and he’s home.

May 8, 2005 Mother’s Day

I’m hoping this will be the last Mother’s Day I observe that I’m not a mother. If I learned anything from my mother, I hope it is how not to be one. I made my obligatory call to wish her a happy day. I might as well have just not done it. All I got was her whining about how boring Idaho was and that she wished she had an invitation to some event in New York City. She’s getting bolder. She didn’t even hint this time. Just demanded I get her an invitation. Not going to happen. Even if I did know how to get one, I wouldn’t. I know Madeline Wheeler would do it if I asked, but I’m not going there.

53 days and he’s home.

June 1, 2005

They read Mr. Maypenny’s will. In it was a letter he had written to Dan. I’m debating whether to send a copy of it to him. I won’t read it. It is between the two of them, but I don’t want it to be a distraction. I’m going to ask Brian and Jim to see what they think.

The will named Dan as the primary heir. I’m not sure what all that entails without knowing the assets in the estate, but it can wait until he gets back. Regan was named the executor and he’s very understanding about all of it.

Oh, and happy birthday, Mart.

29 days and he’s home.

June 10, 2005

I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I want the house to be just perfect when Dan comes home. I know he wants to do all of those home repairs, but I don’t want him bombarded with them the minute he gets home.

Mart, Brian, and Jim came over yesterday and helped clean out the gutters, weed the vegetable garden, put the screens on the porch and a few other odds and ends. Next week, I’m hiring a cleaning company to come in and do a thorough spring cleaning. I deserve to take a break.

Honey, Di, and Trixie want to have a big welcome home party. I really want the first day home to be just the two of us. I agreed we would all meet him as he disembarks his plane, but the actual party will have to wait for a couple of days.

When he gets back to New York, he still won’t be released from duty for a couple of days. They have to be debriefed and processed out of active duty. We’ll have a night together and then it will be about a week before he’s home for good. The girls conceded to having the party when he is officially off duty.

It’s funny, the closer it gets to Dan’s return the more I miss him. You’d think it would be the other way around since you know it’s going to be soon. Some days my body aches for him.

19 days and he’s home.

June 27, 2012

Well, in a few hours Dan will be leaving Iraq. I think I’m more nervous now than I’ve been all year. You always hear of the guy who is just days from coming home getting hit. I pray it won’t be Dan.

The house has been cleaned and all of the repairs done. Well, not all of them. There are a few things I purposely left undone. It’s a fine line to walk. All year, I wanted to be able to do everything at home so he didn’t have to worry about it. But then if I do it all myself, does Dan feel like he’s not needed anymore? I hope not. And I really didn’t do it all myself. If it weren’t for the Bob-Whites and all of the support I’ve gotten, the house would be a disaster and probably be condemned.

As excited as I am for Dan to come home, I’m nervous about it as well. I know I’ve grown and changed in the last year. I know he’s changed as well. How could he not be affected by war and its aftermath? I need to remind myself that we all change. I don’t think we’ve grown far apart but I know it’s going to be different.

I was going to serve the hunter’s stew the night he gets home but now I’m not sure. I think I’ll wait a few days. I definitely won’t serve it the first night home. I’ll play it by ear.

2 days and he’s home

June 29, 2005

I woke up at four o’clock this morning. I couldn’t sleep. Everything is ready, so I couldn’t even find something to distract me. We’ll have tonight and then he’ll have to go back to his unit to finish up with the paperwork, etc. I hate paper work.

June 30, 2005

He’s home!

 

 

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